DISCLAIMER: We will be discussing mental illness such as suicidal thoughts, severe depression, anxiety, and whatever else just flows through writing. I’m just going to write how I would speak to you all if I could, no particular order just addressing my issue and showing how faithful our God has been.
But all glory and honor goes to our father Jesus.
Let’s begin..
I’m going to be completely honest I’ve been putting this blog off for a while. I can’t really put my finger on what has been keeping me from doing it but I know that it can’t be of God.
The spirit of nervousness because while I deal with these things that I mentioned at the beginning I do not want people to see me AS these things if that makes sense.
Ever since I was a child I had panic attacks , and it always happened at night time while I was trying to sleep. I would see dark figures and hear voices. I would become so paralyzed by my own fears that I couldn’t move from under the covers because I didn’t know what would be there.
From being abused and bullied by people who I thought were supposed to be my friends and family I began to practice these things as well. For a long time I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, I tried to be “ strong” as I was told and just go about life like normal. But I had devils following me and tormenting me all of the time.
This is nothing against my parents, I love them and I think they did the best they could with what they had in raising us. But because the Lord put the spirit of astonishment on us we just don’t know how to navigate becoming okay. So we were just told “ be strong”.
To me being strong meant just pushing all of your emotions and feelings down and just getting the job done, whatever that may be. But it wasn’t until I found the true and living God at 19 that mental healing journey began.
Keeping the commandments is pleasant to the Lord , but that isn’t enough to be with him.
The Lord is a discerner of the thoughts, and so it wasn’t until recently actually that the Lord started showing me EVERYTHING wrong with my mind.
Let’s start with anxiety or “irrational fears” like I said, I’ve always had panic attacks as a child. But when I got older and was stricken with my blood clotting disorder I was put on medication that induced anxiety.
Of course I prayed to the Lord to take it from me , but if he doesn’t then it must be something that I have to over come WITH him.
I always thought well “ maybe it’s good that I have these things, to keep me in check” but sometimes it hinders me from developing new relationships especially with women since most of the abuse I’ve experienced has come from them.
But God is showing me things concerning friendship , and it is a work in process. But I praise Jesus for continuing to put loving sisters of Christ in my life.
I never ever in my life thought I would be such a huge advocate for people that struggle with suicidal thoughts because like I said, when they came to me as a child I didn’t think anything of it.
There were situations that happened in my life as a child that made me feel like I was unloved and like NOONE would want me including friends. And now that I am older this still comes up in my thoughts. This thought becomes so strong that I cant even connect to myself. I would look at my own arm, and I wouldn’t even feel like it’s mine.
Imagine sitting in your own mind looking through a pair of eyes and not feeling a connection to yourself or others around you. This goes hand in hand with the occasional depersonalization and depression that comes on me but it’s not 24/7 thank God.
When my depression comes , then all of these things just becomes more intense. Just a couple of weeks ago the whole week I was struggling with these thoughts “ no one loves you, so why don’t you just end it”. And I PRAISE GOD because he is the God of the living and not the dead so I know for certain that this is not him speaking to me.
Just last week, one morning It was like I couldn’t get out of bed ,It feels sometimes like there’s something sitting on me and I don’t have a will to do anything.
But I went on Facebook to find some encouragement and I came across a sister teaching the word of God. You guys when I started listening to it , getting out of the bed was NOTHING thanks to Jesus. I got up and was able to have a fair day.
This everything I’ve been experiencing is common to me but these particular experiences were over the span of a couple of weeks ago.
After a situation that happened i was actually was sitting up in my bed in the dark and I heard a song in my head that ALWAYS seems to give me chills when I listen or sing it. Every harmony, every note came together and it was like a choir singing to me. Then I realized “ Oh my God, Jesus sent the angels to comfort me”.
I laid down and prayed to God “ please Lord help me to process things the way that you process them” . When I prayed this you wouldn’t believe the revelations that God gave me, and after wards I felt nothing but absolute peace.
But this only happened AFTER all of my tribulation. While it was happening God was patient with me and he never left me but he did allow satan to torment me. Not for his own pleasure but in order to bring to light the things I still fall short on , so that he can help me become whole in him.
God is truly my only medicine. Today I’m alive praise Jesus, and I’m not afraid of the things I used to be afraid of because of God , I still have things that the Lord is trying to weed out and I just hope that as I always pray for you all, that you will pray for me.
I hope this encouraged someone in Jesus name. God is the best at healing. ♥️
Peace in Jesus , I love you all😌🌹
For any discussions, or questions don’t hesitate to email me at Tawndralance@aol.com
PeaceInJesus777🌍🌿 